Friday, July 25, 2008

A moment of clarity

There is a time, I would like to think, in everyone's life when you realize that things are beyond your control. Life is not what you think it is. No matter how hard you try to reign it in, life simply does not care. In the ebb and flow of life, you find yourself floating a bit. Pondering things. Wondering about your judgement. Thinking about choices you've made. Contemplating the where, the when, the why, the how. And, then there is *that* moment. Something clicks. In the periphery of the here or the now, there is that thing. The thing. The thing that makes you think, wonder, believe. The thing that makes you thank whatever you believe in for what you have.

Today, I had such a moment. One of those brief, fleeting moments when I looked at life and said "what the fuck am I bitching about?" Whatever it is or whomever it is, well, I've got a good life. I do. And, beyond living it the fullest that I can, well, I can't do a damn thing about it. Yesterday, my father would have been 66 years old. And, I ached about that. I wept for him. For the shitty and unfair situation that my kids are facing not knowing him. I am also pissed at the injustice. He's dead, but rapists and murderers live on. Where is the fairness in that? It is utter bullshit. And, then, I took my son to get a haircut. Something so simple. A part of a usual routine. Nothing extraordinary. Just a haircut. Okay, he came home with a, to quote my daughter, "rockstar" haircut, but's just a haircut. Rockstar = high and tight with a bit of stuff to make the edge of his front bangs spike up.

The haircut. I'm standing there watching her take the clippers to my babe and it hits me. Wow. I had a kid. Holy shit...I've had two of 'em! Two, healthy, happy (when they aren't pissed off at me!) kids. And, where did that come from? The stylist whipped out the stick of wax and did my son's spiky bangs and he turned to me and grinned...and everything came to a screeching halt. That moment. Him, with his mini spiky bangs, grinning from ear to ear. Me, standing there holding a handful of hair bows for my daughter, looking at him and trying not to cry. And I felt my dad. I felt him inside of me. Looking at my son with the same wonder that I look at him and my daughter. The awe, the disbelief, the utter amazement. Laughing at his spiky bangs. Crying on the inside at the passing of his toddlerhood. My dad was with me. He was there.

I felt a strength, a presence, a reassuring hand. A 'punkin, it'll be alright' and I so needed to hear that. As I dozed on and off with a nap today, Dad floated in and out for me. I can't describe the comfort and the happiness that I felt.

What more can a Daddy's girl ask for?

And now, the "award" winning photo...


Charlotte said...

No fair!! You made me tear up a little bit S. How lucky for you to have had that moment when so many of us lose sight of what is really important. I am happy for you.

The pic is gorgeous!

Hope said...

What a nice moment for such a wonderful person.

BB1 is gorgeous, but I need to see this "rockstar haircut"!

Al's CL Reviews said...

Your DD is gorgeous.

Your post made me tear up in a good way.

Delane said...

The pic is georgeous!!!!!

boiler said...

Thanks everyone! My daddy was the world to me. I try not to wig out too often, but his birthday is one of the days that gets to me.

I'm trying to get a pic of the rockstar haircut, but BB#2 appears to be shy about his new haircut. Goofball. And, thanks for the compliments on DD. I think she is gorgeous, but I'm a bit jaded!

Robin said...

That's a great post. I can absolutely relate.

And BB1 is beautiful! What a great picture - it really takes you in. But I guess that's what great photos are supposed to do!